Last-Minute Amendments to the Health Care Bill

Here are some last-minute amendments to the health care bill that I've asked my congressman to lobby for, which he promises to do pending the outcome of his ethics investigation:

Patients waiting to see their doctor of 15 years can no longer be asked by some nurse they've never laid eyes on before if they have a referral.

Magazines in the waiting room must be current and can not be about knitting.

Close-up photos of revolting skin conditions and disgusting cutaway diagrams of the parts of the eyeball will be removed from examining rooms, to be replaced by pictures of sad clowns and dogs playing poker.

Nurses can no longer greet hospital patients by asking "How are we today?" Henceforth they will ask "How is us doing?"

Doctors and patients will show each other proper respect: Primary caregivers will be addressed as "Doctor," and patients will be addressed using the appropriate formal salutation. At least until the first rectal exam--after that they might as well be on a first-name basis.

Nurses who are drawing blood can no longer call in their colleagues for a good laugh when a patient faints because it's humiliating for the patient, and anyway I didn't have breakfast that morning.

Doctors must be ready with a thoughtful, considered answer whenever a patient asks, "What's up, Doc?"

Doctors who look like George Clooney or McDreamy will no longer be allowed to see patients. This is especially true for my wife's doctor.

Doctors can no longer recommend a trip to Lourdes as the best treatment option.

Because laughter is the best medicine, a $20 copay will now be applied to really good jokes. Generic jokes will be available for as little as $5.

TV ads promoting nursing as a profession will no longer feature that guy warbling "You're a nurse/You make a difference," because that song inflicts more pain than any nurse could possibly alleviate.

Others?