Researching The Rogue: Selected Entries From the Secret Journal of Joe McGinniss

From The Huffington Post:

To research his book The Rogue: Searching for the Real Sarah Palin, author Joe McGinniss spent the summer of 2010 in a house immediately next door to the Palin home in Wasilla, Alaska. The following are excerpts from McGinniss's private diary from this period.

May 23 -- Took possession of the Wasilla house today. There must have been bad blood between the Palins and the previous tenant -- some of it's still on the living room rug.

May 24 -- Todd Palin dropped by to say hi to his new neighbor. You should have seen the look of surprise on his face when I answered the door! I gather he misheard my name as Joe Guinness and was expecting to meet imported Joe Sixpack.

May 27 -- Seemingly overnight, the Palins have erected a huge fence around their property. This temporarily obstructed my view, until I made a few peepholes with some power tools. Drill baby drill!

June 1 -- Sarah Palin called me out on her Facebook page, practically accusing me of being a stalker and pedophile! Is there no depth to which she will not sink? Fortunately I had the chance to air my side on the "Today" show, where I took the high road by saying she'd sicked the Hounds of Hell on me and comparing her to Nazi storm troopers.

June 4 -- Spent the day familiarizing myself with the Wasilla terrain. Turns out the bedroom with the Justin Bieber poster is Sarah's, not Piper's.

June 5 -- I constantly have to ask the Palins to turn the music down. Every night they play the same song over and over at ear-splitting levels. How many times can you listen to "Barracuda?"

June 7 -- The Wasilla Welcome Wagon paid a call today. I can't decide which aspect of this visit was more surprising: The fact that Sarah Palin drove the Wasilla Welcome Wagon; or that she aimed it at my house and then leaped from the vehicle and ran away, sending it crashing through my front door and obliterating my pantry. I called the authorities to complain--they told me Sarah had chosen that moment to resign as Welcome Wagon Lady, half-way through her term.

June 8 -- The Palins challenged me to a hockey game on Lake Lucille today. Foolishly I took this as a friendly gesture. I hurried out to the lake in my skates and pads and nearly drowned. Turns out there's no ice this time of year! I'll bet the Palins knew that the whole time.

June 10 - There have been press reports that Sarah had her breasts enlarged. Sarah went on Glenn Beck's radio show to say that if her bust seems larger, it's because "Joe McGinniss stuffed my bra with surveillance devices." Is she insane? How did she find them so quickly? Beck took the opportunity to endorse the bra as a wholesome accessory for women who love freedom but not too much freedom.

June 11 -- Coming back from the store this afternoon I saw a familiar figure hurrying from my house into the Palins' yard. It was Joe the Plumber -- I recognized his crack as he climbed over the fence. I couldn't imagine what he'd been up to, but when I went inside and ran the kitchen faucet, my dishwasher drenched the room like a water cannon.

June 15 -- In an apparent attempt at rapprochement, the Palins invited me over yesterday for a tea party. Enchanted, I stepped next door anticipating Earl Grey and cucumber sandwiches. Instead, I was nearly lynched by a mob screaming about taxes and limited government. One man shouted about keeping government hands off his Medicare, but couldn't be convinced to keep his hands off my windpipe. Having barely escaped with my life, I have decided to ignore today's invitation to be a fourth at bridge, as I am convinced it will be bridge to nowhere.

June 17 -- Yesterday evening I was indulging in a beloved childhood pursuit: catching fireflies in a jar. Suddenly Sarah was overhead in a helicopter, picking off the lightning bugs one by one with a .30-06. So typical of her to use too much gun! Diving for cover behind the gazebo, I had to admit it was a remarkable display of marksmanship. Subsequent forensic examinations confirmed that each insect was shot between the eyes.

June 19 -- This morning I took a seemingly random stroll along the Palin's fence line, projecting the casual air of a man trying out a new pair of stilts. (I'd borrowed a set from the fellow who plays Uncle Sam at Wasilla's Fourth of July celebration.) From my elevated position I was trying to sneak a glimpse over the fence into my neighbor's yard when suddenly Todd was in my path, sticking out his leg to trip me. Just before I toppled from the vertical to the horizontal, slamming into the ground at a velocity normally attained by only our most daring test pilots, I couldn't help noticing that I could see Russia.

June 27 -- I successfully infiltrated the Palin compound today by dressing as a moose. I enlisted the aid of a local man named Zeb who bears the Palins a grudge -- he once got in an argument with Sarah at a Little League game and she tried to field dress him. With me in front and my confederate bringing up the rear, we crossed into Palin territory, moving with a very satisfactory approximation of the stately gait of the Alces alces. Indeed, our performance may have been too convincing, for as we reached the center of the yard, gun barrels appeared in each window of the house and discharged simultaneously, laying down a withering fusillade that left Zeb and me no choice but to beat a hasty retreat. We did our best to stay in character by imitating the frenzied gallop of a frantic moose, but I fear our cover was blown. An observer in the house would have seen the escaping moose suddenly bifurcate, with the rump preceding the head around the fence to safety. I'm happy to report that I escaped unharmed and my companion suffered only a flesh wound, though unfortunately it was in the fleshy part of his liver.

July 4th -- In anticipation of a quiet Independence Day observance, I purchased some sparklers from a local dealer and thoughtlessly left them on my front porch. I'm certain someone from next door tampered with them. I lit one this evening expecting to enjoy a delightful spray of harmless glittering sparks. Instead, my taper detonated with the same force that must have rocked Indonesia when Krakatoa blew, leaving everything above my abdomen singed and smoking.

July 14 -- The Palins hosted a little dinner party last night in honor of Bristol and Levi's engagement. Sarah even made a short speech. (Note for book: At rallies, Sarah reads speeches off her hand, but in the intimate setting of this casual family dinner she read off the Hamburger Helper hand.) There was a discussion about what song the happy couple should dance to at their wedding, and they quickly settled on "Barracuda." Then they played it. All night.

July 16 -- It was hot today, so I decided to cool off by jumping through my sprinkler. When I turned on the hose, the ice dispenser in my fridge began firing cubes like a Gatling gun. My kitchen is so full of ice it looks like the hold of a swordfish boat. Even now I can hear the Palins and Joe the Plumber sniggering through the fence.

July 20 -- Last night Sarah and Todd had a bitter argument over a Scrabble game. Sarah was insisting that "refudiate" is a real word but Todd wasn't buying it, especially not for a Triple Word score. They both screamed at the top of their lungs, but even with the shotgun microphone I was using I could barely hear them over "Barracuda."

July 28 -- I did some pogo-sticking near the Palins' fence today, which afforded me intermittent glimpses into their den. Here's the amazing thing: I spotted Putin's head in there! It's mounted on the wall, right next to a moose. I guess Alaskan airspace is secure, but it made me pretty uncomfortable. Do they have a similar fate in mind for me?

August 4 -- I realize the Palins are using amplified music as a psychological weapon, in much the same way that Santa Anna had his band play "El Degüello" to torment the occupants of the Alamo. Mustn't let it get to me. Must remain strong. Bar-ra-cu-da. Bar-ra-cu-da. Bar-ra-cu-da.

August 12 -- Had a dream last night in which Sarah Palin literally unleashed the Hounds of Hell on me -- all pit bulls wearing lipstick.

August 17 -- I'm seriously thinking of abandoning the book. Sarah P has told friends she has me in her "crosshairs." When I got home, someone had drawn bull's-eyes on all my pajamas.

August 22 -- I woke up screaming this morning, convinced the Palins had put a horse's head in my bed! It turned out to be the headpiece from my moose costume -- I forgot I was mending the bullet holes last night when I dozed off. Just another indication of the state of my shattered nerves.

August 30 -- I've decided I can't take it any longer. No book is worth this torment! Tonight I tore up my notes and ripped the manuscript to shreds. When I tried to flush the pieces down the toilet, my washing machine overflowed.

In a State of Anticipation...

Can't wait for Sarah Palin's media tour. Putting her near a microphone is like dropping Mentos into Diet Coke--mindless, messy, and really really funny.

Things I'd Like to See This Weekend on C-SPAN's "Book TV"

Saturday
10:00 am Vook TV
This week Atria Books announced the launch of the "vook," a video-book hybrid that combines text with original video content in an ebook format. As with any new technology, people have lots of questions about the vook: Do I really have to call it a vook? Isn't vook kind of a stupid name? Will I have the opportunity to scratch the eyes out of the person who made up the word vook? Here a representative of Atria addresses these and other issues, including vook verb confusion. (Do you read a vook or watch it? And if you're in a hurry, do you skim a vook or surf it?) He also describes the development of the vook and some missteps along the way, notably a children's vook about White House pets that featured the Zapruder film. Also discussed: A line of vook accessories, including TiVook, which allows you to digitally record your vook now to enjoy whenever you're ready--hailed by J.D. Power and Associates as "the most redundant technological development of the last 40,000 years." The first four vooks are priced at $6.99, but are expected to be cheaper when they come out in vaperback.

2:00 pm Going Rogue Going Fast
Sarah Palin's memoir, originally scheduled to be come out in the spring of 2010, has been fast-tracked by her publisher. In this segment, a representative of HarperCollins explains how the entire publishing schedule for Going Rogue has been dramatically accelerated. It is available now for pre-order online, and goes on sale November 17th. The media campaign is already under way, with the book being praised on Fox News and excoriated on MSNBC before it has even been printed. Ratings of either five or zero stars have been posted on Amazon by people who couldn't possibly have read it yet. At this rate, no one will have to actually read the book. If the pace of this schedule continues, booksellers should start returning the book by Thanksgiving, and the remaining stock will have been remaindered by mid-December. The paperback will be published for New Year's, with any remaining copies pulped by Valentine's Day. "It's all about efficiencies," the publisher says.

Sunday
11:00 am Who's a Rogue?
Former Navy SEAL Richard Marcinko, author of Rogue Warrior, The Rogue Warrior's Strategy for Success, Leadership Secrets of a Rogue Warrior, and a whole bunch of others books with the word rogue on the cover, discusses his beef with Sarah Palin's memoir. "Going Rogue? You gotta be &#%*$!@ kidding me. Listen babe, you ain't rogue til you've done a %#$*!@& nighttime HALO jump into enemy territory carrying 230 !&%$*@# pounds of special ops equipment and pasted a few !%#&*@$ bad guys. Offing a @#*!&%$ moose from a helicopter in designer hunting gear don't cut it in my *&#!%@$ book--in fact, in any of my #%$!&*@ books." Marcinko speculates that Palin meant to call her book Going Rouge, "after her &#*!@%$ hockey mom lipstick or something." He was somewhat mollified to learn that until recently Palin had been pronouncing rogue "rogooey," but says "I may still have to fry her #@&!%*$ ass."

3:00 pm Speech Impediment
Matt Latimer, a former speechwriter for President George W. Bush, discusses his book Speech-Less: Tales of a White House Survivor. Is it true Mr. Bush had a speech impediment? "His mouth," Mr. Latimer says. He reveals that one particular word always gave Mr. Bush trouble: "We had to make sure it was carefully spelled out on the teleprompter--NUKE-YOU-LER--so he'd be sure to pronounce it correctly." The hardest part about writing for Mr. Bush was his constant pressure to work the phrase "the intercourse between nations" into his speeches. "He'd giggle just thinking about it," Latimer says.

The Rogue Elephant

When I heard that Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir bears the title Going Rogue, I looked up the word "rogue" in the dictionary and immediately wondered if anyone in Palin's camp had bothered to do the same. (Knowing of Ms. Palin's dysfunctional relationship with the English language, I never dreamed that she would personally undertake such research, but surely someone on her staff could have cracked the old Websters.) Here's the listing in its entirety, courtesy of Dictionary.com:

rogue  [rohg]

–noun
1. a dishonest, knavish person; scoundrel.
2. a playfully mischievous person; scamp: The youngest boys are little rogues.
3. a tramp or vagabond.
4. a rogue elephant or other animal of similar disposition.
5. Biology. a usually inferior organism, esp. a plant, varying markedly from the normal.

–verb (used without object)
6. to live or act as a rogue.

–verb (used with object)
7. to cheat.
8. to uproot or destroy (plants, etc., that do not conform to a desired standard).
9. to perform this operation upon: to rogue a field.

–adjective
10. (of an animal) having an abnormally savage or unpredictable disposition, as a rogue elephant.
11. no longer obedient, belonging, or accepted and hence not controllable or answerable; deviating, renegade: a rogue cop; a rogue union local.

Origin:
1555–65; appar. short for obs. roger begging vagabond, orig. cant word

Synonyms:
1. villain, trickster, swindler, cheat, mountebank, quack.

The specific association of "rogue" with elephants ought to be a rich source of PR opportunities for the Republican Party.

Part Hockey Mom, Part Pit Bull, All Shatner

After reciting Sarah Palin's farewell speech for Conan on the "Tonight Show" last night, William Shatner is probably already lined up to do the audio book of her forthcoming memoir. If not, the publisher is missing a real opportunity. See how he combines the icy verbal high-sticking of the hockey mom with the lipsticky mellifluous drool of the pit bull. Or is it the other way around?

Things I'd Like to See This Weekend on C-SPAN's "Book TV"

Saturday
11:00 am Sarah Palin
Discussing her decision to resign as governor of Alaska and how it will affect her forthcoming memoir, Palin again demonstrates why she is the most oddly compelling figure to appear on the political landscape since Mayor McCheese. Palin says her book will argue that deciding to terminate instead of going to full term is not a choice that pregnant women should have, but is a perfectly viable option for a state governor. She also reveals that she is working on a children's book called Quacking Up, about a lame duck named Maverick who resigns as head of her flock for vague and murky reasons, teaching young readers that quitting isn't quitting if you call it something else. A discussion of Palin's political future rounds out the final four seconds of the program.

2:00 pm Pen-Palling Around With Terrorists
Writer Jack Cashill defends his theory that former Weather Underground member Bill Ayers, author of the memoir Fugitive Days, actually wrote Barack Obama's bestselling book Dreams from My Father. Cashill's theory is based on several pieces of textual evidence: Both men write about power ("Ayers, in fact, evokes the word 'power' and its derivatives 75 times in Fugitive Days, Obama 83 times in Dreams"); both are obsessed with eyebrows ("There are six references to 'eyebrows' in Fugitive Days -- bushy ones, flaring ones, arched ones, black ones and, stunningly, seven references in Dreams -- heavy ones, bushy ones, wispy ones"); and both misquote Carl Sandburg's poem Chicago. Cashill concedes that since the Pulitzer Prize-winning poet used the word 'power' more than 150 times in his biographical writings about Lincoln, and had distinctly prominent eyebrows as well, it is at least possible that Carl Sandburg wrote both Fugitive Days and Dreams from My Father. Also discussed: Passing references to Shakespeare in both books lead to speculation that the Immortal Bard is the author. Cashill scoffs at this notion, suggesting that it is more likely the books were written by either Francis Bacon or Edward de Vere, the 17th Earl of Oxford.

Sunday
10:00 am Nicholas D. Kristof
The New York Times columnist discusses his recent list of The Best Kids' Books Ever, which emphasizes well-seasoned personal favorites from decades gone by such as the Hardy Boys series, the Freddie the Pig series, On to Oregon, and Little Lord Fauntleroy. Mr. Kristof hints that he may produce a second list, this one consisting of books that might actually appeal to real live children, or at least children who aren't Benjamin Button.

4:00 pm Obscure Dickens
A series profiling lesser-known Dickens characters. This week: Dick Dicklewicker, Oliver Twist's best friend at the orphanage, who disappears under mysterious circumstances when the book is adapted for the musical Oliver!

Palin Memoir Followup

The previous post about what to call Sarah Palin's forthcoming memoir was featured in The PW Morning Report on PublishersWeekly.com last Friday, and was included in their enewsletter PW Daily.

Also, the editors of The Globe and Mail's book pages offered a pretty good suggestion on Twitter.

Thanks to everyone who weighed in--I'm sure Ms. Palin will take them to heart.

What to Call Sarah Palin's Memoir?

Having saddled her kids with names like Track, Trig and Willow, it will be interesting to see what Sarah Palin decides to call her recently announced memoir. If it were up to me? I'd call it The Betcha's Back.

Here are a few other titles that occur to me:

Putin's Head and Joe the Plumber's Crack

Half-Baked Alaska

Gee, Nome!

The McCain Mutiny

I'm Not Tina

This Is Not Tina's Memoir

$150,000 For Clothes, Not One Cent For Tribute

If You Give a Moose a Shot Through the Lungs

Apocalypse 2012

Oops. That last one's already taken.

Any other thoughts? If you have an idea, I hope you'll weigh in.