The implications for the music industry are potentially devastating. I hope you'll check it out.
10 years ago
Sunday, April 1, 2012
A Classics Rock! Exposé
The implications for the music industry are potentially devastating. I hope you'll check it out.
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Undead Letter Office
Which experience is scarier: Reading "Dracula" or going to the post office?No need to choose--these two exquisite horrors are now combined in a new piece on The Huffington Post called "Undead Letter Office." This mashup explores the pressing question: What if the characters in a classic epistolary novel had to use the modern Postal Service?
Hope you'll check it out. And don't worry--it contains nothing liquid, fragile, perishable, or hazardous.
Sunday, March 11, 2012
Spring Ahead
Daylight Savings Time begins today--remember to set your clocks ahead one hour.
- This means you lose an hour, so your 5 hour energy drink will only last 4 hours
- 24 hour diners are only open 23 hours today, so plan accordingly.
- Psychiatrists must remember to set their clocks ahead 50 minutes.
- If you happen to be reading Michael Cunningham's The Hours, skip ahead one chapter in observance of Daylight Savings Time.
- Daylight Savings Time music trivia: All the time shout-outs in Bill Haley's "Rock Around the Clock" get moved ahead one hour. This throws the rhyme scheme off and tends to bring the rocking to a complete standstill.
Saturday, March 3, 2012
Tonight, a Very Special "Hannibal Lecter". . . .
News of a forthcoming Hannibal Lecter TV series got me thinking about what an amazing coincidence it is that Lecter was christened Hannibal at birth so that when he grew up and became a serial killer who eats his victims, his nickname, Hannibal the Cannibal, would be obvious and inevitable. I suppose if he'd been named Peter Lecter, he'd be Peter the Purple People Eater.
Also, let me add that a Hannibal Lecter TV series is the worst idea since "My Mother the Car." Let me make a few predictions:
Also, let me add that a Hannibal Lecter TV series is the worst idea since "My Mother the Car." Let me make a few predictions:
- The references to fava beans and Chianti will be overworked.
- There will be excessive use of that modified hockey mask Lecter wears.
- An actor who played Jack Crawford in the movies will also play him in the series (but will it be Scott Glenn? Harvey Keitel? Dennis Farina?). Jack Crawford is to the Hannibal Lecter franchise as Felix Leiter is to the Bond movies--a different actor plays him almost every time.
- Anthony Hopkins will be asked repeatedly if he watches the series and will insist he's never seen it. No one will ask Brian Cox that question.
- At least one actor or actress who starred in one of the movies will stoop to doing a guest appearance during sweeps.
- There will be the inevitable Christmas episode featuring a dream or fantasy sequence in which the characters from the show become characters from A Christmas Carol (I see Lecter as Old Fezziwig.)
- Footage used in flashbacks to Lecter's earlier life will come from the movie Hannibal Rising. It will seem brand new to viewers of the TV series because nobody saw Hannibal Rising.
- There will be a crossover episode with "Dexter."
- At least one episode will be promoted with an announcer intoning "Tonight, a very special 'Hannibal Lecter'..." while weepy piano music plays in the background.
- The show will be cancelled after five episodes, tops.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
The Division of Child & Family Services Investigates Reports of Child Endangerment at a Stable in Bethlehem
CFS: Bethlehem, from The Huffington Post:
DIVISION OF CHILD & FAMILY SERVICES
FIELD REPORT
DATE: The reign of Cæsar Augustus, when Cyrenius was governor of Syria, in the days of Herod the king; Tuesday.
COMPLAINT: An anonymous epistle reporting a newborn infant living in unsanitary and possibly unsafe conditions.
INVESTIGATING AGENT: Nicodemus
COMMENTS: Accompanied by Rookie Agent Zebedee, I proceeded to the scene of the complaint. This was easy to locate as it was directly beneath an unnaturally bright stationary star shining in the night with a tail as big as a kite. (Agent Zebedee was once blown several leagues by a runaway kite and can verify the accuracy of this description.) The light from this star was so brilliant that we were temporarily blinded and had to feel our way around the property until our eyes could adjust. During this time Agent Zebedee fell down a well.
Entering the premises, we discovered the child living in a stable family environment, in the sense that the family was living in a stable. We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. He appeared to be in good health, but laying the child in a manger was irresponsible in my opinion. The animals quartered there had not been fed in some time, and a few were licking their chops. Fortunately our arrival served to draw their attention, though this resulted in Agent Zebedee suffering a nasty lamb bite to the thigh and some minor goring by a peckish ox. [See accompanying petty cash voucher to cover poultice expenses.]
The scene was chaotic, with people arriving and departing at all hours and various individuals loitering about. We questioned a couple who identified themselves as the infant's parents. Our suspicions were aroused when Mary, the woman claiming to be the mother, also claimed to be a virgin. (We never even asked.) The account given by her male companion, Joseph, gave us strong reason to believe he is not the child's biological father.
Also present were certain poor shepherds who had been abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. They said a chorus of angels, singing of peace on earth, good will toward men, had instructed them to seek out the child. Their own off-key singing, and some depleted wineskins in their possession, made us think there might be more to it than that. When Agent Zebedee asked the shepherds why this jubilee, they smote him on the head with a crook. They insisted their encounter with the heavenly host had left them "sore afraid," but we think they were just sore about their working conditions. Despite their claim of a supernatural encounter, we felt their decision to abandon their flock was more likely a job action to protest having to work the night shift.
While we were there three adult males arrived, dressed in fine garments and carrying gold and other valuable commodities. They were unable to give a consistent account of themselves--for example, they claimed at various times to be "kings," "magi," and "wise men from the East." They told us they came bearing gifts for the child, but frankincense and myrrh seem odd presents to give a newborn when what he really needs are a decent crib and a binky. We suspect they were actually well-to-do travelers from the nearby inn who went "slumming" for thrills in a rough neighborhood. Either that or they got lost on their way to the privy.
We found an unaccompanied little boy on the premises who was pounding a drum in an apparent effort to entertain the infant. The alleged mother, Mary, nodded as if to encourage this awful noise even though the monotonous rum-pa-pum-pum beat shook straw dust loose from the rafters, creating an unhealthy atmosphere.
Also contributing to this miasma were the cows, sheep, and other animals housed in the stable. They produced a powerful stench, swarms of flies, and substantial deposits of solid waste that Agent Zebedee had difficulty navigating. [See attached reimbursement request to cover one pair of soiled sandals.]
Among the livestock was a donkey named Dominick, brought from Italy as the mascot of a Roman legion. This beast was decked out in a harness of bells that produced a chingety-ching sound to accompany the animal's frequent hee-hawing. This racket alone was enough to prevent the infant from getting any sleep. When combined with the lowing and squealing of the other animals, the incessant drumming, and the raucous singing of the shepherds, the result was a dreadful din that was enough to drive one mad. Indeed, Agent Zebedee began twitching and moaning and made several attempts to put his head through the wall. [See accompanying request for indefinite paid medical leave.] Incongruously, in the midst of this ear-splitting uproar, a little lamb asked a shepherd boy, "Do you hear what I hear?"
The number of people and animals present clearly exceeded the legal occupancy limit set by the Fire Pharisee. The radiant heat from the star, in proximity to the hay and straw stored in the wooden structure, presented a real risk of combustion. (In fact, the seat of Agent Zebedee's garment began to smolder, and he was forced to extinguish it in a trough of water, in fulfillment of the prophets.)
One other thing seemed odd: You have visitors coming and going all night and no one puts something out for people to eat?
CONCLUSION: I strongly recommend that the infant be removed from these premises and placed in the protective custody of King Herod at the palace. Admittedly, our stern monarch has not previously shown much sympathy for disadvantaged children, but since the star appeared he has expressed an intense interest in the number, status, and specific whereabouts of all the newborns of Bethlehem. He maintains his custom of stoning or beheading supplicants who displease him, so the agent assigned the task of appealing for sanctuary on the child's behalf should possess the utmost tact and diplomacy. I suggest Agent Zebedee.
FIELD REPORT
DATE: The reign of Cæsar Augustus, when Cyrenius was governor of Syria, in the days of Herod the king; Tuesday.
COMPLAINT: An anonymous epistle reporting a newborn infant living in unsanitary and possibly unsafe conditions.
INVESTIGATING AGENT: Nicodemus
COMMENTS: Accompanied by Rookie Agent Zebedee, I proceeded to the scene of the complaint. This was easy to locate as it was directly beneath an unnaturally bright stationary star shining in the night with a tail as big as a kite. (Agent Zebedee was once blown several leagues by a runaway kite and can verify the accuracy of this description.) The light from this star was so brilliant that we were temporarily blinded and had to feel our way around the property until our eyes could adjust. During this time Agent Zebedee fell down a well.
Entering the premises, we discovered the child living in a stable family environment, in the sense that the family was living in a stable. We found the babe wrapped in swaddling clothes, lying in a manger. He appeared to be in good health, but laying the child in a manger was irresponsible in my opinion. The animals quartered there had not been fed in some time, and a few were licking their chops. Fortunately our arrival served to draw their attention, though this resulted in Agent Zebedee suffering a nasty lamb bite to the thigh and some minor goring by a peckish ox. [See accompanying petty cash voucher to cover poultice expenses.]
The scene was chaotic, with people arriving and departing at all hours and various individuals loitering about. We questioned a couple who identified themselves as the infant's parents. Our suspicions were aroused when Mary, the woman claiming to be the mother, also claimed to be a virgin. (We never even asked.) The account given by her male companion, Joseph, gave us strong reason to believe he is not the child's biological father.
Also present were certain poor shepherds who had been abiding in the fields, keeping watch over their flock by night. They said a chorus of angels, singing of peace on earth, good will toward men, had instructed them to seek out the child. Their own off-key singing, and some depleted wineskins in their possession, made us think there might be more to it than that. When Agent Zebedee asked the shepherds why this jubilee, they smote him on the head with a crook. They insisted their encounter with the heavenly host had left them "sore afraid," but we think they were just sore about their working conditions. Despite their claim of a supernatural encounter, we felt their decision to abandon their flock was more likely a job action to protest having to work the night shift.
While we were there three adult males arrived, dressed in fine garments and carrying gold and other valuable commodities. They were unable to give a consistent account of themselves--for example, they claimed at various times to be "kings," "magi," and "wise men from the East." They told us they came bearing gifts for the child, but frankincense and myrrh seem odd presents to give a newborn when what he really needs are a decent crib and a binky. We suspect they were actually well-to-do travelers from the nearby inn who went "slumming" for thrills in a rough neighborhood. Either that or they got lost on their way to the privy.
We found an unaccompanied little boy on the premises who was pounding a drum in an apparent effort to entertain the infant. The alleged mother, Mary, nodded as if to encourage this awful noise even though the monotonous rum-pa-pum-pum beat shook straw dust loose from the rafters, creating an unhealthy atmosphere.
Also contributing to this miasma were the cows, sheep, and other animals housed in the stable. They produced a powerful stench, swarms of flies, and substantial deposits of solid waste that Agent Zebedee had difficulty navigating. [See attached reimbursement request to cover one pair of soiled sandals.]
Among the livestock was a donkey named Dominick, brought from Italy as the mascot of a Roman legion. This beast was decked out in a harness of bells that produced a chingety-ching sound to accompany the animal's frequent hee-hawing. This racket alone was enough to prevent the infant from getting any sleep. When combined with the lowing and squealing of the other animals, the incessant drumming, and the raucous singing of the shepherds, the result was a dreadful din that was enough to drive one mad. Indeed, Agent Zebedee began twitching and moaning and made several attempts to put his head through the wall. [See accompanying request for indefinite paid medical leave.] Incongruously, in the midst of this ear-splitting uproar, a little lamb asked a shepherd boy, "Do you hear what I hear?"
The number of people and animals present clearly exceeded the legal occupancy limit set by the Fire Pharisee. The radiant heat from the star, in proximity to the hay and straw stored in the wooden structure, presented a real risk of combustion. (In fact, the seat of Agent Zebedee's garment began to smolder, and he was forced to extinguish it in a trough of water, in fulfillment of the prophets.)
One other thing seemed odd: You have visitors coming and going all night and no one puts something out for people to eat?
CONCLUSION: I strongly recommend that the infant be removed from these premises and placed in the protective custody of King Herod at the palace. Admittedly, our stern monarch has not previously shown much sympathy for disadvantaged children, but since the star appeared he has expressed an intense interest in the number, status, and specific whereabouts of all the newborns of Bethlehem. He maintains his custom of stoning or beheading supplicants who displease him, so the agent assigned the task of appealing for sanctuary on the child's behalf should possess the utmost tact and diplomacy. I suggest Agent Zebedee.
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