Tuesday, August 11, 2009

In a World Without Newspapers. . .

The naughty behavior of millions of dogs goes unpunished because there are no newspapers to roll up and rap them on the nose with. Dogs become sassier.

Grandparents are no longer able to make newspaper hats for their grandchildren. Intergenerational bonding deteriorates.

Customers at traditional fish’n’chips shops have to take away their deep-fried snack in their bare hands because the shops no longer have newspapers to wrap their sodden, greasy product in.

Important, influential people facing scandal are no longer able to say “Can’t you just see the headlines?” or “We have to keep this out of the newspapers.” Instead, they say things like, “What if this turns up in a big news aggregator?” or “We can’t let anyone with a lot of Twitter followers find out.”

Apocalyptic science fiction films set in deserted cities can no longer zoom in on an old newspaper so you can see the ironic headlines (“Progress at Peace Talks” or “Asteroid May Miss Earth”) but really so you can see the date on the paper and know when the disaster took place. Similarly, they are unable to show newspapers blowing through the empty streets of the deserted city to give you a sense of just how, you know, deserted it is.

Fugitives from justice can rest easy on planes, trains, and other means of public transportation, knowing there won’t be another passenger reading a newspaper with their picture plastered all over the front page.

Artists and kindergarten classes working with papier mâché are forced to find an alternate source of readily available papier. Fewer and fewer Mardi Gras floats appear with each passing year.

Birds conditioned to having their cages lined with newspaper develop serious and possibly lethal gastrointestinal disorders from trying to ‘hold it.’

People caught in sudden rainstorms without umbrellas have nothing to tent their heads with. They get wet.

People moving to a new home have nothing to wrap their fragile items in. These get smashed.

Artsy types who used to wrap presents in newspaper because it’s ‘creative’ have to break down and buy traditional wrapping paper, or just finally admit they are too cheap to do so.

Fireplace owners seek an alternative to a newspaper for starting a fire on a wintry evening. Many opt for lighter fluid or some other accelerant. Mayhem ensues.


  1. I have one more:

    "Wrestlers don't have anything to stuff in their smelly wrestling shoes to absorb the horrendous odor."


    - Your Sister

  2. Didn't know you could do that!